I am extra pissed off today.

The thing I really resent is that the rest of the world is moving forward, while in Cleveland we are reduced to begging Council members to beg the Mayor to do even the tiniest things in regard to essential objectives like sustainability, environmental health, and traffic safety.

Take this punch list right here. On each thing, City Hall has done literally less than nothing to make things better. (Okay, I’ll grant that poorly painted, unenforced bike lanes are not literally less than nothing.)

☑ fake recycling
☑ tree butchery
☑ reckless road widening
☑ bullshit bike infrastructure
☑ hobbling public transportation

For fuck’s sake, it was a two-year struggle that required the intervention of the US Department of Transportation just to use the dedicated bus lanes going through Public Square instead of around it, even though we’d just spent $60,000,000.00 on a full redesign of Public Square. We should not have to fight over no-ass bullshit like this.

Matt Zone is running for Mayor as the “Vision Zero” guy (as in zero traffic deaths) while we’re spending $8,000,000.00 to make Fulton Road faster for cars–at exactly the intersection that has the most foot traffic. We should not have to fight over no-ass bullshit like this.

The city brags about installing 70 miles of “bike infrastructure” which is almost all bullshit bike lanes that are never enforced. I’m going to go check with my data people, but I’m almost positive that we’ve had exactly zero tickets written, ever, for driving or parking in bike lanes. We should not have to fight over no-ass bullshit like this.

Look, I’m just some guy with a headache and a stent and kind of a lot of books. I didn’t go to grad school, I don’t exercise enough, and I’ve lived 35 years on the Near West Side without learning any Spanish. I read Henry George before it was cool. I’m kind of half-assing at life to be honest, but HALF ASS IS BETTER THAN NO ASS.

This is the point. We have to do better than this negligent, petty, no-assed, zero-energy static inertia. It’s killing us.

As your next Mayor, I will actually show up, take the job seriously, be on duty 24/7, and remain sober during daylight hours. I will not be held hostage in my home by any street gang. I will not abuse the office to protect criminals who might happen to be my children or grandchildren. I am always snarky, abruptly coarse, and commonly sarcastic, but you will always know I am for you, not the landlords and not the colonizers.

I can’t promise dramatic results; that’s not in my hands. What I am promising is an end to the No-Ass Era at City Hall, where public relations pettifoggery trumps getting anything done. There’s so much to do! We have to start somewhere!

And that’s why my half-assed approach, which arguably isn’t going to solve everything, is at least superior to the no-assed death spiral we’ve been suffering with for decades now.