My platform as Mayor of Cleveland
Friends and neighbors, today I’m prepared to share the outlines of my platform and program as your new Mayor. Here are the major points, which I will describe in more detail as time passes.
- Half-assing everything, which will give Cleveland an entire additional half of an ass compared to what we have now;
- Seceding from “Ohio” and joining Canada as a new Spanish-speaking province;
- Removing Section 22 from the police union contract;
- Bonus: transferring the Browns to the CFL so they can win;
- Fully legalizing weed;
- Eliminating the local income tax and imposing 100% land value taxation;
- Canceling the Q Deal;
- Not being held hostage at home by a street gang;
- Restructuring the entire curbside recycling system;
- Not letting the West Side Market go completely to shit;
- Disarming cops;
- Eliminating the Department of Economic Development;
- Eliminating the “Mayor’s Office of Sustainability”; and
- Forever banishing the use of “economic impact” to justify investing in bullshit real estate ventures.