Friends and neighbors, today I’m prepared to share the outlines of my platform and program as your new Mayor. Here are the major points, which I will describe in more detail as time passes.

• Half-assing everything, which will give Cleveland an entire additional half of an ass compared to what we have now;
• Seceding from “Ohio” and joining Canada as a new Spanish-speaking province;
• Removing Section 22 from the police union contract;
• Bonus: transferring the Browns to the CFL so they can win;
• Fully legalizing weed;
• Eliminating the local income tax and imposing 100% land value taxation;
• Canceling the Q Deal;
• Not being held hostage at home by a street gang;
• Restructuring the entire curbside recycling system;
• Not letting the West Side Market go completely to shit;
• Disarming cops;
• Eliminating the Department of Economic Development;
• Eliminating the “Mayor’s Office of Sustainability”; and
• Forever banishing the use of “economic impact” to justify investing in bullshit real estate ventures.